How can i show my wife our marriage is worth staying in and how sorry i am for my lack of respect?

I have read so many stories of sadness all night long, trying to get help or a direction i must go to make myself stop my behavior. there is no way to say it any other way.... i have dishonored my wife by lying to her. i am not a cheater but i am no better. i broke her trust and for her trust and honesty is number one. i have lied to cover up mistakes i have made in fear i would make her angry. i have lied to her to make myself be this super hero when i am just a regular non exciting guy. i have allowed her to believe i was honest and at 38 and therapy have seen how damaging my lies have been my whole life. i have lived in a fantasy world and not in reality. my lies have been varied from saying i was not smoking cigarettes anymore to i have paid a bill. i have lived in fear and even thought i love this woman with everything i am, i still roll out with lies. i have a fear so great that she was going to leave me that it finally happened. i do not want to be the scared child anymore and learn self worth for myself. i was so smothering and allowed myself to be dishonest with her. i do not think i can ever forgive myself. i have been scared of the world for far to long. i have no friends, and with a troubled family unit do not have anyone really. i have 2 daughters from a previous marriage that love her to so very much and today somehow, someway i have to tell them that their dad lied and there mama is not coming home. i am struggling so desperately to just breathe. i have battled major depression,anxiety, and panic attacks which caused a lot of strain on our marriage. she would tell me that she could not get why i was so depressed and could not snap out of it. with medication and therapy i have been making some progress but i am finding out that i have a lot of work to go. with her anger issues and trust problems i have broken her. i am so afraid of my future and how my 2 girls and i are going to get through this. we are broke beyond broke and money problems have also put a huge weight on us. our only car is on the verge of being repoed and currently is with her and her older daughter where ever they left too. i have nothing and have started being honest with myself, but its so difficult to see that its just to late and she is gone. i didnt honor her and i didnt to be what i was to her. with everything in me i wish she could trust me again and see that now i am being honest. everything i say to her she does not believe and i do not blame her. she has given me several chances and i cant believe i wrecked it. i am such a piece of **** and thought i could manage but i am even more falling apart. i am in so much pain, it hurts to bad, i just want it to stop. i dont deserve it but if there is a god, please help me. please help get my family back together. i cannot eat and have not slept. i feel so sick to my stomach and am having the worst panic attacks. i have a few hours before my kids come home and i am trying to be strong but it is not working. overwhelmed with grief is an understatement.